So now that I don't have to worry about pushing the contest off the front page, I can post like a crazy woman again!
Let's see. Right now it's 1:25 in the morning. It's a Friday night and I've spent it working on my MS and perfecting my query letter. I have a social life, it just happens to encompass imaginary people for now. I'm sure Josh understands. Not so sure about the rest of the world. I forgot to ask.
I'm getting so close to having this submittable that it's making my skin itch. I'm so nervous, so excited and so damn ready to put MARTYR down and never touch it again. Not that it's bad (I swear), but I've read the entire thing close to 100 times. I haven't even read The Witching Hour that many times. Blasphemous, I know.
So I've come up with a list of agents to query to. The very first round is full of feelers, honestly. I have that one agent in my head, of course, that I will be DEVASTATED if she says no. So I'm going to wait on that one... give some time for the initial sting of rejection to take hold before I send it off to her.
It's kind of amazing how much we relay our hopes and dreams of publication on that of a lottery drawing. So much about querying is timing. It all depends on the mindset of the agent upon reading. I mean, unless you're horrible. Which I don't think that I am.
I just... sigh... I want this to happen so bad - but I'm only a spec on the entire writing community. A star in the Milky Way. How can I possibly hope to stand on the publication platform among writers who have entertained me for days on end. Am I out of my mind to even consider it?
No, I don't think I am. I mean, I'm a strong writer. I have ideas that are new, fresh ways of entertainment. I am worried about starting with something so commercial. It's either going to be my saving grace or my downfall. I'll either hear - this is commercial fiction! This is marketable! Or I'll hear... hmm. I've seen this before.
Which is so utterly contradictory it makes me rabid.
I guess, in the end, I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me I can do this. I want a close friend to read my book and tell me it's amazing. P.S. - I hate that my close friends and family have no interest in this whatsoever. If it wasn't for my beta readers, I would have gone insane a long time ago. Have I mentioned lately how much I want to hug every single one of them?
Seriously, my beta readers are the only reason I'm still going. To Willow, to Ebyss, to Jordan and most recently - To Kim - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, well this is disjointed and I'm feeling a little vulnerable. I'm just super emotional. Apprehensive. Excited. Worried. Angry. Frustrated and overwhelmed. But also, I'm just happy to be writing, and to have characters in my head and on paper. Because that, really, is what being a writer is all about.
Much <3, Bethany